Senior Level Statistics of Psychology, also known as the class that will ruin my GPA in 2013, is taking over my life. I was naive enough to think that once I took junior college level statistics I would never have to take it again. I was wrong, so wrong. Not only do I need to pass the class I am currently in, but I have to take one more stats class this summer. I am overwhelmed, and feeling guilty. I keep thinking that if I just tried harder I could understand it. I keep thinking that if I was ten years younger and had more brain pathways, it would all make sense. I keep thinking that I will never get into a good post-undergrad program if I don't pull off a C in this class, and it doesn't seem like that will happen.
I have had to strip my life down to bare bones things. Work, school, gym, cook, over and over each day. Weekends are not weekends any more. I feel bad about food because I don't have the time or drive to make fun meals like I used to. I feel bad at crossfit because I don't have the time or the drive to put in maximum effort, and I am just skating by with my lame shoulder injury and hatred of running. I feel bad at school because I have this really pathetic American guilt complex, where I hate that so many people can't even afford an education, and yet here I am wasting mine away with a D+ in statistics. Luckily, I don't feel bad at work, and it seems like it is the one place where I can relax and play and not worry.
I went on an ill-timed vacation in February, and since then I have not been able to get my shit together. 2013 started off so promising, and now it is going downhill, fast. I know what needs to happen, and I know how to make it happen, but I just can't. Anxiety has rocketed to epic new levels that I haven't seen since my early 20s, and nothing I do is helping. My best coping mechanism at this point is to stop putting pressure on myself, remind myself that in the grand scheme of the universe I don't matter, and try to keep plugging away. The problem with this way of managing life is that when I remember that my part in the world is very, very, very tiny, and that nothing I do really, really matters, then I start thinking, "why bother?"... I might as well not do that eight page Jewish studies paper on Sukkot that is due in 36 hours, I might as well skip this week's stats lab, and, I mean... I might as well just drop out of school and cut my losses now. Not a good cycle.
This concludes my whiny livejournal entry circa 2001.